The HFC Recovery Code: 11 Truths for Healing from High-Functioning Codependency
When you’re a high-functioning codependent, you don’t look stuck.
You look capable. You’re the one who pulls everything together, gets it all done, and rarely asks for help. People see you as someone who has it handled.
But there’s a cost. And recovering from being a high-functioning codependent is the path to living the happy, healthy, balanced life you deserve.
I created the HFC Recovery Code because people kept asking me for a condensed list to help them remember their rights and responsibilities when they’re feeling overwhelmed or pulled toward doing too much.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
Below are 11 truths of HFC Recovery:
- My worth and value are determined by who I am, not by how much I do for others.
Many of us are stuck in a productivity loop. We feel like we need to earn our place in other people’s lives. When you’re a high-functioning codependent, you may equate your value to what you’re adding to someone else’s life. But your worth is not determined by your output.
- I deserve more than what I’m tolerating.
I want you to pause on this one and think about what you’re tolerating right now.
It’s easy to fall back into the habit of not saying when something is bothering you. And many of the things we tolerate are things we could change ourselves. It might be something as simple as not liking the lighting in your bedroom or needing a new duvet.
But when you’re a really active HFC, you’re not dialing into what you’re tolerating because you’re too busy pleasing other people.
- Staying on my side of the street is where I’ll find my inner peace. What’s not my responsibility is not mine to carry.
This is for all of you who feel overly responsible for everyone else’s feelings, relationships, success, failure, or financial situations.
That is not your side of the street.
We’re not talking about minor children here, and you may consciously choose to help your adult children or others, which is your right. And it’s important to make the distinction between what is and is not your responsibility.
- Other people’s problems are theirs to fix. Caring does not require rescuing.
Many of us are hyper-helpers. We’re the ones people call when they’re in crisis. Some of you are full-time rescuers!
But we cross boundaries when we’re rescuing, which can be detrimental to our relationships.
This doesn’t mean you can’t help other people. It may mean having a conversation to see if they need or want help rather than jumping in to ‘save’ them.
- Mutuality and interdependence are the foundations of healthy relationships. I deserve to receive as much as I give.
This can be challenging if you are receiving-challenged.
Mutuality means I care about you and you care about me. Interdependence means I can depend on you and you can depend on me.
In healthy relationships, there is a balance. It’s not tit for tat or exactly even, but more of a vibe of collaboration. Vic and I split things up based on who does what better and who hates doing what. He does the food shopping and cooking because I don’t like to do those things. I handle all our travel and keep the family stuff together.
In interdependent relationships, no one person is doing the bulk of the work to keep the relationship or family going.
- I’m not meant to do it all alone. I can ask, receive, and allow.
This takes it one step further. It’s not just about receiving. It’s about actively asking.
How often do you ask for help? Be honest with yourself. The only way to recover from being an HFC is by being able to ask for help when you need it, allowing other people to add value to your life, and creating relationships that are soft places to land in a hard world.
- Drawing boundaries for myself is not doing anything wrong to someone else.
When you are new to boundary setting, it can feel like setting a boundary is doing something mean or bad to the other person. This is inaccurate.
It is your responsibility to set your own boundaries. This is real self-protection. You’re not doing something to them by doing something for you.
- I release the need to anticipate what might go wrong and allow myself to be present.
This is for all of you who suffer from anticipatory anxiety or future-tripping.
When you find yourself ruminating about all the things that could go wrong and all the things you’ll do if they do, stop. Take a deep breath. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
Have faith that you can handle whatever happens. This kind of hypervigilance does not keep you safer; it just exhausts you.
- I do not need to respond to everything immediately. I can pause and choose.
For those who feel compelled to give people an immediate response to every text, every email, every request: you don’t have to.
This is how we build the scaffolding in our internal life that allows our nervous system to rest. We don’t have to be in a hypervigilant state all the time. Not every text is a five-alarm fire.
When you get into recovery, you teach people a new way of interacting with you. Which might mean you take some time before you respond. And you can let people know by saying, “I am turning my phone off at 7 pm to rest my brain. I’ll return calls or texts the next day.” It can be that simple.
What to do with your time and your schedule is your choice.
- Letting others learn their own lessons is an act of respect, not neglect.
When you’re an auto-advice-giver, an auto-fixer, a jumper-inner, a rescuer, you think you’re responsible for solving the other person’s problem.
You’re not. And you can’t be.
You can stay lovingly connected to people without rescuing them. Without thinking you know what they need to do. Because you don’t. Only they do. And even when they don’t, it’s theirs to figure out.
Instead of auto-advice-giving, ask expansive questions: “What do you think you should do?”
I’m not saying you will never share your opinion or weigh in. Just don’t have it be the very first thing you do.
- I’m allowed to disappoint others and remain safe, connected, and okay.
This might be one of the hardest lessons for HFCs in recovery.
Even when you’re healing from people-pleasing, if you like people to be happy with you, you’re still going to like it. We don’t fundamentally change as human beings. We just stop letting it dictate what we do.
I’m still a little uncomfortable when I have to disappoint someone. I don’t like to. But I do it if it’s the difference between disappointing them or self-abandonment.
You can tolerate disappointing others.
Get the HFC Recovery Code guide here.
Your Invitation
If this resonated with you, if you were reading this thinking, yes, yes, yes, this is me, I want to invite you to join me in Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, a course starting soon. 🎉
And for those of you who feel like you’re in recovery but need a refresher, this is perfectly appropriate for you, too.
Go to terricole.com/cyclebreaker to get all the information. Let’s rock this out in 2026. 💪
Frequently Asked Questions
Terri Cole, LCSW, answers common questions about high-functioning codependency recovery:
What is a high-functioning codependent? A high-functioning codependent (HFC) is someone who over-functions, over-gives, and rarely asks for help, but appears capable and put-together on the outside. HFCs are often the ones who pull everything together for others while neglecting their own needs. They may equate their worth with how much they do for other people and struggle with receiving, setting boundaries, and allowing others to help them.
How do I know if I’m a high-functioning codependent? Signs of high-functioning codependency include feeling responsible for other people’s feelings and problems, struggling to receive help or compliments, automatically giving advice or jumping in to rescue others, tolerating things that bother you without speaking up, feeling like you need to earn your place in relationships, and having difficulty saying no or disappointing others.
Can you recover from being a high-functioning codependent? Yes. Recovery from high-functioning codependency involves learning to ask for help, receive from others, set boundaries without guilt, and stay on your own side of the street. It means recognizing that your worth is not determined by how much you do for others. It’s a process that takes practice, but it’s absolutely possible to build healthier, more mutual relationships.
What’s the difference between helping and rescuing? Helping involves offering support when someone asks for it or getting their permission before stepping in. Rescuing is jumping in uninvited to fix someone’s problem, often crossing boundaries in the process. Caring does not require rescuing. Letting others learn their own lessons is an act of respect, not neglect.
