I want to start with a question.
When you want something, do you have a way of talking yourself out of it? Like, let’s be “realistic”? Or say the odds are slim?
Do you allow yourself to want what you want with all your heart?
That’s what this episode of The Terri Cole Show is all about. We’re going to talk about manifesting.
Note: This is a little woo, I’ll admit. But this is one real aspect of how I’ve created my current life. I believe that what we think about and what we feel impacts what happens in our lives.
So let’s get into it.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
The Truth Bomb
Here it is: You cannot manifest what you will not even admit that you want.
To create what we want in life, we’ve got to be clear about what that is. Which means we must have the audacity to be hopeful, to be willing to allow ourselves to want something in the first place.
One of my friend’s daughters and her wife are trying to have a baby through IVF. I was talking to her recently and telling her my sister’s baby story.
Years ago, my sister wanted to have a third baby. She was 45. She already had two kids and had been through some difficult experiences. The medical world was telling her she was too old. But she got super clear that she wanted a third baby and really wanted a girl.
She bought a little yellow onesie and hung it in her closet. Every morning when she woke up, she would feel the feelings of greeting her new baby. She had affirmations: “My baby is on their way to me right now.” She was also doing Chinese medicine for fertility support.
Every day, she would hike with her dog in the woods and take the onesie with her. She would visualize hiking with the baby in a little body strap, as she had with her other two children. She wasn’t focused on the wanting feeling. She was focused on the having feeling.
Eventually, she got pregnant naturally. My niece is now a sophomore in college.
My sister, who is not a woo-type person at all, is completely convinced that her mindset had everything to do with attracting that experience into her life. And I am too.
Rehearsing Disappointment
So many of us attempt to self-protect by keeping our dreams small. By looking at all the evidence for why it won’t happen.
But what we’re really doing is pre-experiencing the disappointment before anything has even happened. We’re already feeling the loss of something we haven’t even tried for.
When I shared my sister’s story with my friend’s daughter, she said something that stopped me: “I think I’ve been so afraid to be hopeful. I’m trying to protect myself from disappointment.”
Here’s the lesson in all of this: We cannot protect ourselves from disappointment in life. And you are not that fragile.
We have to have the audacity to hope and to go for what we want.
Why We Block Our Own Desires
When was the last time you fully let yourself hope for something without immediately slapping it down? Without saying, “Don’t get carried away,” or “Don’t jinx it,” or “Don’t set yourself up to be disappointed”?
Why do we do this?
Part of it is our nervous system. We’ve learned what feels like dangerous messages: If I hope, I’ll get hurt. If I want, I’ll lose. If I care, I’ll be crushed. So we manage our expectations by making the dream smaller.
I’ve had therapy clients who want to be in a long-term relationship, and they’ll say things like, “I don’t even need them to be successful”. And I ask, why are we already lowering standards? Isn’t it just as easy to manifest someone who had a decent career as it is to manifest someone who doesn’t?
A lot of this has its roots in childhood. If your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, punitive, or dismissive when you expressed a desire, then you learned to pre-reject what you wanted as protection. It’s a survival strategy. As kids, we’re so good at figuring out how to protect ourselves, especially if we’re in situations where other people aren’t protecting us.
But here’s the problem: The strategy that protected you as a kid can sabotage you as an adult. We’re still trying to stay safe by staying small. And it doesn’t work.
You’re Not Afraid of Failing
Here’s what I want you to consider: You’re not afraid of failing. You’re afraid of feeling your feelings.
You survived by numbing that wanting. By keeping it small. By making it less.
But you don’t have to be afraid of your feelings because you are not that fragile.
In my experience, an ambivalent desire creates an ambivalent result. You can’t say to the universe, “Surprise me.” We have to be clear on what we want. And that clarity comes from giving yourself permission to tell the truth about what it is that you actually desire.
What Happens When We Deny Our Desires
When we deny what we want, we play small. We over-compromise. We tolerate low-vibe bullshit in relationships. We accept crumbs in our careers. We don’t ask for the raise we deserve. We don’t go for the job opening we could go for.
Eventually, it can make us resentful.
There are a lot of narratives out there, a lot of limiting beliefs, especially if you were raised in a religious household, that wanting more is selfish or self-centered or bad for you in some way.
But here’s the truth: Your desire is information. It’s data. It creates direction in your life.
Your desire is the truth about how you feel. And you can use it as an internal GPS to guide your next right actions.
A Client Story
I had a client we’ll call Mia. She wanted to be an artist, but insisted it would never work. Her family believed art was not ‘a real career’.
As we talked more about her art, she realized something important. She wasn’t afraid of failing. She was afraid of hoping.
When she was a kid, in a neglectful family system, if she hoped for something, she usually didn’t get it. If she hoped for affection, attention, or praise, she got shut down or ignored.
But as we focused on the value of her own desires, she started painting again. First, just for herself. Then she joined a collective. Then she started selling pieces. She didn’t just manifest money. She manifested the permission to be an artist. Something that would have been denied her for her whole life.
You Can Survive Disappointment
We don’t have to be realistic. We don’t have to stay safe. It’s okay to fail. I’ve failed a million times, and I’ll fail a million more, and who cares? This is life’s school. We’re succeeding and we’re failing. But as long as you’re trying, you’re living.
Give yourself permission to get your hopes up.
An Invitation
I want you to put one hand on your heart right now and ask yourself: What do I want that I’ve been too afraid to admit?
Write down whatever comes to you.
Your desire is not delusional. It doesn’t mean it will all come true. But it matters. And it’s an invitation to put your stake in the ground and put the universe on notice that this is what you are creating.
Feel the feelings of having it. Allow yourself to want it. And then take steps every day towards your dreams.
Because this is not just a woo-woo thing where we think about it and wait. We need to feel the feelings of having it, yes. And we need to take action every day.
Allow yourself to want what you want with all your heart. ❤️
If you want to go deeper with this work and explore what you’re creating for the next 12 months, grab the guide here.
And if you’re ready to do this work in community with other women who are also done playing small, join us inside the Terri Cole membership, TCM Weekly at terricole.com/tcm.
Frequently Asked Questions
Terri Cole, LCSW, answers common questions about manifesting and desire:
Why is it so hard to admit what I really want? For many of us, expressing desire wasn’t safe in childhood. If your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or dismissive when you expressed a want, you may have learned to pre-reject your desires as protection. It was a survival strategy that made sense then, but can keep you playing small as an adult.
What does it mean to manifest something? Manifesting is about getting clear on what you want, feeling the feelings of having it, and taking consistent action toward it. It’s not magical thinking or just wishing. It’s a combination of clarity, emotional alignment, and real-world steps. An ambivalent desire creates an ambivalent result, so specificity and commitment matter.
How do I stop being afraid of disappointment? The truth is, you cannot protect yourself from disappointment in life by wanting less. What you can do is remind yourself that you are not that fragile. You can survive disappointment. You can also survive success. Fear of failure and fear of success are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is fear of change. You can survive change too.
Is it selfish to want more? No. Your desire is information. It’s data about who you are and what direction your life wants to go. Many of us carry limiting beliefs, especially from religious or family messaging, that wanting more is selfish or self-centered. But denying your desires leads to resentment, restlessness, and playing small. Owning what you want is an act of self-trust.
