Do you think you’re codependent? Or are you unsure?
In this post, I’m going to walk you through nine questions to help you understand, pretty conclusively, if you are a high-functioning codependent.
I want you to walk away with a clear snapshot of your own codependent behaviors. And I want to be clear: this is a no-judgment zone. If we get really judgmental, we’re not going to look at what we need to look at. If we let shame dictate what we examine, we’ll stay in denial. And then nothing changes.
You deserve to create relationships, lives, and careers that thrill and fulfill you. So let’s look honestly at where you are.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
- Do you feel like your partner’s needs are more important than yours?
Keep in mind, you may not actively and consciously think this. But do you behave as if your partner’s needs are more important than yours?
When we’re confronted with what our actions mean, we often go, “No, I don’t think that. That’s not true.” But you have to look at the behavior.
I knew someone years ago who was in a really codependent relationship. Her whole life revolved around pleasing this boyfriend. They went on a cross-country road trip and the entire time, they only listened to music he liked. He was singing at the top of his lungs for four days. She got to be his audience. Anytime she suggested putting something else on, he refused.
If I had asked her, “Do you prioritize his needs over your own?” she wouldn’t have said yes. But her behavior said yes. Because she didn’t like conflict, she endured his bad singing in silence.
This is where compatibility and compliance get confused. People feel like, “Well, we don’t fight, so we’re compatible.” But if you’re being compliant, giving in to what the other person wants, that’s not compatibility. That’s you managing the person and the situation, so there’s no conflict.
- Is it hard for you to express your needs and preferences?
I can tell you from being a high-functioning codependent for most of my life until I got into recovery: asking for what I needed was nearly impossible.
I was an expert at implying, hinting, being sarcastic, all these long ways around the barn. I could never be direct about what I needed and wanted.
I wonder if that’s true for you.
- Do you give more in your relationship and receive less in return?
How much do you organize around what your partner wants? How much emotional labor are you doing? Is there a lack of mutuality?
If you’re in a family system, are you the primary caregiver for the kids? Are you managing school schedules, doctors’ appointments, and making sure there’s food? Are you doing all the things?
It is common for women to do many of the things that keep families afloat. This is not me dissing men. I love men. This is not the way it is in my home. But if you identify as a high-functioning codependent, you may be doing more of the emotional labor than your partner.
And here’s the thing: this is not vilifying your partner. In my young life, I was insisting on doing all the things, and then I was pissed that I was doing all the things. Sound familiar?
Sometimes people in relationships with high-functioning codependents end up in what’s called a double bind. They can’t win either way. If they do it, they’ll probably do it wrong. If they don’t do it, eventually the person doing all the stuff becomes resentful.
This is why we have to talk about what we need and how to create equity in our relationships. When I talk about mutuality, I mean both people are considered, not just one.
- Do you do things for the other person that they can and should do for themselves?
Why do you think that is?
A lot of times, we get into rote routines where we just keep doing the same thing. But allowing other people to add value makes them feel masterful. It’s good for their self-esteem.
The real question is: are there things you do for people that they can and should be doing for themselves, especially things that make you resentful? How much of your own identity is wrapped up in over-functioning in your relationships?
- Is it difficult to separate your feeling state and identity from your partner?
For example, if they’re in a bad mood, even though you were just in a fine mood, do you feel responsible for shifting it? For talking them out of it? For controlling the way they’re feeling?
When we’re actively high-functioning codependent, we often only know ourselves in relation to someone else’s reaction or response to us. We feel responsible for how they’re feeling and responsible for making it better.
And that behavior can block deeper intimacy.
The moment we jump into fixing mode rather than saying, “Tell me more about your mood. Did something happen? I’m here to listen. Do you need to vent?” we’re actually being less loving. When someone feels bad, talking about it (if they are open) is the most loving action to take.
- Are you afraid of rejection, abandonment, or conflict in your relationships?
And what past experiences might be driving that fear?
One caveat: as human beings, none of us is psyched to be rejected or abandoned, and most of us aren’t seeking conflict. It’s natural to be afraid of these things.
But do you avoid them at all costs? Do you abandon yourself to avoid rejection, abandonment, or conflict?
That’s the difference between just being human and being stuck in a codependent pattern.
- Do you rely on the validation of others to feel valuable or worthy?
If you’re not doing for others, how do you feel about yourself? Are you able to validate your own worth?
This is really important. If you feel like you cannot validate your own worth, you can learn to. When we can’t validate our own worth, we become vulnerable to emotionally untrustworthy people. But when we know we’re inherently valuable, it’s easier to disappoint others. It makes it easier to tolerate it when someone doesn’t like what we’re doing.
If we believe our worth is tied to our productivity or to serving others, that is a never-ending treadmill of having to over-give to feel valuable. It is exhausting and depressing.
When you get into recovery, you don’t feel that way anymore. You know you’re inherently worthy. (because you are!)
- Is your communication effective?
When there’s an issue in your relationships, do you bring it up and assert your preferences? Or do you avoid the conversation altogether?
I find these two things go together. When people are actively high-functioning codependent, their communication skills are usually lacking in some way. Direct communication is something they’re just not good at.
Especially when it comes to what you want, what you need, how you feel. You might be direct when it comes to your kids or work, but when it comes to you and your most tender heart, can you tell the truth about how you feel in your closest relationships?
A lot of times, HFCs really can’t. They continually take one for the team. They think, “I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill; it’s not a big deal.”
And what happens is you do that for decades, and ultimately you end up really resentful. And nobody knows you.
You might be surrounded by people, but if you’ve never learned how to communicate how you really feel, those people may love a version of you they think they know. But they don’t actually know you.
And you are so worth knowing. There’s never been another you. DNA-wise, it’s a fact. You are the only you who will ever exist on this planet. And you are inherently worthy right now.
- Do you feel like you cannot live without your partner?
Is it impossible for you to imagine a life without them?
With high-functioning codependency, our identity can merge with the other person. We become more identified as a couple than as an individual.
To be healthy, we have to grasp the reality that we come into this life alone and that we go out of this life alone. Not in some depressing way. It’s just the truth. Which is why the most important relationship you will ever build is your relationship with yourself.
When you’re a high-functioning codependent, you haven’t built an authentic relationship with yourself. There’s too much reacting, responding, anticipating, hypervigilance, and fear to even take the time or bandwidth to create that relationship.
Your Invitation
Download the guide with all nine questions at terricole.com/guide.
If this resonated with you, if you were reading this thinking, “Oh my gosh, that’s me,” I want to invite you to check out my course, Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.
It’s an eight-week, therapeutically informed journey to stop over-functioning and finally come home to yourself. Because it is so empowering when you can make all the decisions in your life from that place of being at home in your own body and your own mind.
Go to terricole.com/cyclebreaker to enroll. I would love to see you there. 💛
Frequently Asked Questions
Terri Cole, LCSW, answers common questions about high-functioning codependency:
What is a high-functioning codependent?
A high-functioning codependent (HFC) is someone who over-functions, over-gives, and rarely asks for help, but appears capable and put-together on the outside. HFCs often equate their worth with how much they do for others and may struggle with receiving, setting boundaries, and expressing their own needs directly.
What’s the difference between compatibility and compliance in relationships?
Compatibility means two people’s needs, values, and preferences genuinely align. Compliance means one person is giving in to what the other wants to avoid conflict. Many people confuse the two. If you’re constantly going along with your partner’s preferences and never asserting your own, that’s not compatibility. That’s managing the person and the situation, so there’s no conflict.
Why do high-functioning codependents struggle with communication?
HFCs often learned early in life that expressing needs directly was unsafe or unwelcome. So they became experts at implying, hinting, or being sarcastic instead. They may be very direct in other areas of life, but when it comes to their own tender feelings and needs in close relationships, they struggle to tell the truth. Over time, this leads to resentment and a feeling that nobody really knows them.
Can you recover from high-functioning codependency?
Yes. Recovery involves learning to validate your own worth, express your needs directly, receive from others, and build an authentic relationship with yourself. It takes practice, but it’s absolutely possible to stop over-functioning and create healthier, more mutual relationships.
