Many people can communicate just fine until a conflict arises.
Then the nervous system gets activated, and suddenly you’re either shutting down, getting defensive, or saying things you don’t mean.
Sound familiar?
Our nervous systems get activated during conflict. It’s normal for communication to be more challenging when you’re activated than when you’re not. That’s just biology. When you understand how your body responds to stress, you give yourself a chance to communicate more effectively.
When you’re in conflict, what happens for you?
Do you shut down?
Do you get loud?
Or begin attempting to please or appease the other person?
I’m going to walk you through the top challenges I see as a psychotherapist. And I’ve put together a guide with some scripts for you at terricole.com/guide.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
Listening to Respond Instead of Listening to Understand
When we’re activated, we often listen to respond rather than to understand. If you notice yourself mentally rehearsing what you’re going to say next, trying to prove a point, or focusing on winning, that’s a pattern worth examining. Because when we listen this way, we’re not actually listening. We’re gathering evidence to make the other person wrong.
Instead, you can intentionally listen with the goal of understanding. Stay curious instead of defensive. Create low-stakes check-ins to normalize problem-solving before issues escalate.
This is why I always recommend that couples hold a state-of-the-union meeting. My husband and I do it on Sundays in bed while we’re drinking coffee and reading the New York Times. We check in. How are we doing? When we normalize inviting the other person to tell us where we could have done better, it helps us avoid conflict.
If it’s hard for you to talk when you get activated, try this: “I have something important I’d like to share. Would you be willing to let me finish my thoughts before you respond? I promise to offer you the same space so we can both feel understood.”
Silence and Stonewalling
Using silence or stonewalling to convey displeasure is a damaging form of passive-aggressive behavior. And often it’s a nervous-system response, therefore not intentional. Some people get big and loud when activated. Others shut down completely, especially if that wasn’t okay in your childhood home.
What can you do? Name what’s happening instead of disappearing. If I feel like shutting down and I can catch myself, I’ll say, “I feel like ignoring you right now because I’m so mad, but I want to resolve this more than that. I need about 30 minutes. Can I have that, and then can we come back to this?”
Calling out what’s happening means you’re not acting it out; you’re talking it out.
Difficulty Expressing Your Needs
If you struggle to say what you need during conflict, your mind might go blank. Often, that’s the nervous system being overwhelmed.
Notice what’s happening in your body. Has your breathing gone shallow? Is your chest tight? Are you feeling frozen? These are signals to slow down. Get clear with yourself before engaging.
Journaling can help. Writing things out gives your thoughts structure. You can write it down ahead of time and read from it. That might feel weird initially, but I say, however you got to do it, you got to do it. Better to be reading from your journal the truth about how you feel than to be frozen and not able to say anything.
Defensiveness and Blame
This shows up when we feel threatened or judged. We justify, blame others, or feel victimized. This is frequently rooted in unresolved shame or past experiences of criticism.
A couple of guidelines:
- Don’t kitchen sink it. That’s when you bring up more than one issue. Nobody is open to hearing everything that’s wrong with them that you’ve been saving up. Stick to one issue at a time.
- Use “I” statements. Share your experience without attacking. Focus on impact rather than character defects. The moment you attack, the other person becomes defensive.
- Notice your contribution. Pause, breathe, and reflect on your 50% of that dynamic. When we’re in conflict, we’re often choosing between being loving and being right. Those goals rarely coexist in the same moment.
I love normalizing being wrong. My husband and I do this regularly. It’s liberating not to feel the need to be right. We don’t become polarized on issues because we can both admit when we’re wrong and apologize.
The Importance of Repair
Even with the best intentions, conflict conversations don’t always go as we’d like. What matters most is that we come back together, acknowledge the impact, take responsibility, and reconnect.
Some repair scripts:
- “I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I see where I contributed to the tension.”
- “That didn’t come out the way I meant it to. Can I try again?”
- “I care about us more than being right, and I want to understand your experience.”
Repair builds trust. Avoidance erodes trust.
There’s something liberating about being able to say, “I acted like a jerk before, and I’m really sorry.” Just that.
We can learn how to speak up. We can learn how to assert ourselves even in conflict. None of us wants to live in the purgatory of being misunderstood.
Make sure to grab the guide with all the scripts at terricole.com/guide.
Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog
Why do I shut down during conflict? Shutting down is often a nervous system response, not a choice. If expressing yourself wasn’t safe in your childhood home, your body may have learned that silence equals survival. The work is learning to name what’s happening instead of disappearing. Saying “I need 30 minutes and then I want to come back to this” is very different than walking away without a word.
How do I stop getting defensive when my partner brings up a problem? Defensiveness usually shows up when we feel threatened or judged. It can be rooted in unresolved shame or past criticism. The practice is noticing your reaction, pausing, and reflecting on your 50% of the dynamic. You don’t have to defend why you did what you did. Sometimes being misunderstood is okay. Focus on listening instead of winning.
What’s the best way to bring up an issue without starting a fight? Stick to one issue at a time. Don’t kitchen sink it by piling on everything that’s ever bothered you. Use “I” statements and focus on impact rather than character attacks. You can also ask for what you need upfront: “Would you be willing to let me finish my thoughts before you respond?”
How do we repair after a conflict goes badly? Come back together, acknowledge the impact, and take responsibility. It can sound like “I’ve been thinking about our conversation and I see where I contributed to the tension” or simply “I acted like a jerk, and I’m really sorry.” Repair builds trust. Avoidance erodes it.
